I think there is a misconception that therapists are somewhat perfect emotionally. But I’m just going to burst the dream bubble on that one right now. I don’t think I could talk about living with postpartum anxiety and supporting moms with rage had I not directly experienced it myself. Here’s a bit of my story.

We were getting ready to leave for a ski trip in 2019. The bags were by the door, my son was bundled up; it was the kind of morning that should have felt exciting. My husband handed our two year old a heavy backpack and asked him to carry it to the car.

And I completely lost it. Like angry, yelling, finger pointing, lost it.

In the moment I told myself I was angry about the backpack. What kind of person hands a toddler a heavy bag instead of just doing it himself? But standing there watching my two year old's confused little face and my husband's hurt expression, I knew even then that the backpack wasn't really the point.

It’s never about the friggin backpack.

I was exhausted before the vacation even started. I had been running on empty for weeks managing the mental load, the packing list, the snacks, the logistics, and you know, a full time job, plus every day stuff, all while quietly waiting for someone to notice and help. Nobody did. Or at least, not in the way I needed. And I also never voiced what I needed. And in that moment, the backpack became the thing that broke me open.

I was embarrassed. My husband was angry. My son was confused. And I wasn't ready yet to take accountability for the fact that I had never once said out loud what I actually needed.

If you've ever had a moment like this, where you exploded over something small and spent the rest of the day drowning in shame, this post is for you.

Because what happened to me in that doorway wasn't a character flaw. It was my nervous system. And understanding that after going to therapy was what ultimately helped me lose the shame and ditch the rage.

What Is Mom Rage, Really?

Mom rage is one of those experiences that almost every mother has had but almost nobody talks about honestly. It's the explosion that comes out of nowhere. The yelling that scares even you. The moment where you can see yourself reacting and you cannot stop it.

And then comes the shame spiral. The googling at 2am. The "what is wrong with me."

Here's what I want you to know as both a therapist and a mom who has been there: nothing is wrong with you. But something IS happening and it's happening in your nervous system.

Your Nervous System 101

To understand mom rage we need to talk briefly about how your nervous system works. Don't worry, I'll keep this short (maybe even exciting!).

Your nervous system has two main operating modes:

The Sympathetic Nervous System - Your Gas Pedal This is your body's threat response system. When your brain perceives danger whether it’s real or imagined, physical or emotional,  it activates the sympathetic nervous system and floods your body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Your heart rate increases. Your muscles tense. You get sweaty and you feel like you could throw a punch or run a mile. Your thinking brain goes partially offline.

This is your fight or flight response. And here's the key thing to understand: your nervous system cannot tell the difference between a bear chasing you through the woods and your toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle. To your body, stress is stress and threat is threat.

The Parasympathetic Nervous System - Your Brake Pedal This is your rest and digest system. When you feel safe, supported, and regulated your parasympathetic nervous system is in charge. You can think clearly, respond thoughtfully, and access your patience and empathy.

The goal is to spend most of your time here. But for many moms, especially those carrying trauma, chronic stress, or an invisible mental load that nobody sees, the nervous system gets stuck in sympathetic overdrive. The gas pedal gets stuck.

And when the gas pedal has been stuck for long enough, something small becomes the thing that finally tips you over the edge (the backpack).

There are two other types of responses

These are the freeze and fawn responses. Both of these are highly correlated to trauma. We will cover those in a different blog. But for now, let’s keep going with the types of rage that I most commonly see in my practice.

The Two Types of Mom Rage

Here's something that most content about mom rage gets wrong: it treats all mom rage as the same thing. But in my clinical experience there are actually two distinct types and understanding which one you're experiencing changes everything about how you address it.

Type 1: Cumulative Rage - The Overfull Cup

This is the rage that builds. It's what happened to me in that doorway before our ski trip.

Type 1 mom rage happens when your nervous system has been in low grade sympathetic activation for days, weeks, or even months. You've been holding too much. You've been giving too much. You've been asking for help in indirect ways - sighing loudly, hinting, heck, even openly being irritable and snappy with your partner just hoping someone will notice - and not getting what you need.

Your cup has been filling quietly (not in a good way) and nobody can see it filling because you've been so good at holding it all together on the outside.

And then something small happens. The backpack. The spilled milk. The request for a snack when you just sat down for the first time all day.

And your nervous system, which has been holding an enormous amount of pent up energy, finally releases it. All at once. Disproportionately. In the direction of whoever is standing closest.

This is not a character flaw. This is physics. Energy that has nowhere to go eventually explodes.

Type 1 rage is most often a signal that something in your external circumstances needs to change. You need more support. You need to communicate your needs more directly. You need rest. You need someone to actually see how much you are carrying.

Type 2: Trauma Rage- The Ghost in the Room

Type 2 is different and trickier to recognize because it doesn't always make logical sense even to the person experiencing it.

Type 2 mom rage happens when a present moment trigger activates an old wound in your nervous system. Your child does something; talks back, doesn't listen, clings to you when you're already touched out and your reaction is completely disproportionate to what's actually happening.

You're not just reacting to your child. You're reacting to every time you felt ignored, powerless, unheard, or unsafe as a child yourself.

Your nervous system learned long ago that certain cues meant danger. A raised voice. Being dismissed. Feeling out of control. And now those same cues, even in completely safe circumstances, activate the same threat response they always have.

This is trauma. Type 2 rage is most often a signal that there is old pain in your nervous system that hasn't been fully processed. Changing your external circumstances won't fix it because the wound isn't about your current circumstances. The wound is older than your children. Older than your marriage. It's been waiting quietly in your nervous system for years.

How To Tell The Difference

Ask yourself these questions after a rage episode:

Was I already running on empty before this happened? → Likely Type 1

Did my reaction feel wildly disproportionate to what actually happened? → Likely Type 2

Did this trigger remind me of something from my childhood even vaguely? → Likely Type 2

Have I been asking for help and not getting it? → Likely Type 1

Did I feel genuinely out of control in a way that scared me? → Could be either, worth exploring with a professional

Many moms experience both types. And both are valid. And both are treatable.

What Actually Helps

For Type 1 Rage: The work here is external and relational. It means getting honest about what you need and actually asking for it directly. It means having the hard conversation with your partner about the mental load. It means building a support system that actually supports you. It means rest, real rest, not the kind where you're lying down but still mentally running the household.

Therapy can help here too, specifically in helping you identify what you need, find your voice, and communicate without guilt.

For Type 2 Rage: This is where deeper trauma work becomes important. Talk therapy can help you understand the patterns but it often can't reach the place where trauma actually lives - in the body and the nervous system.

This is why I'm so passionate about body based trauma approaches like Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP). These modalities work directly with the nervous system to help your brain reprocess old experiences that are still firing as if they're current threats.

ART uses rapid gentle eye movements to help your brain access and reprocess painful memories, often in just a few sessions, without you having to retell your story in detail.

KAP uses a low dose of ketamine in the context of therapy to gently lift the curtain on what your nervous system hasn't been able to touch yet. Many clients describe it as the most profound healing experience of their lives.

Both approaches get to the root of Type 2 rage in a way that years of talk therapy often can't.

A Note On Shame

If you've made it this far I want to say something directly to you.

The shame you feel after a rage episode, the replaying it over and over, the fear that you've damaged your children, the "what kind of mother am I" spiral, that shame is not helping you heal. It's actually keeping you stuck.

Your children do not need a perfect mother. They need a mother who is doing the work. And the fact that you're reading this, trying to understand yourself, trying to grow - that IS the work. That matters more than you know.

You are not your worst moment. And you don't have to keep having it.

Ready To Go Deeper?

If you're a mom in California or Florida who recognizes herself in this post — whether it's the overfull cup or the old wound or both — I'd love to talk.

I offer a free 20 minute consult so we can figure out together whether therapy with me feels like the right fit. No pressure, no commitment. Just a real conversation.

‍