As I sit and write this blog post, I have a bag of half eaten apple chips sitting next to my mountain of books that I promised myself I would put away a month ago. The dishes are sitting in the sink (at least they aren't just next to the sink) and I am trying to think through how I'm going to make it to the gym before I need to start on dinner and bed time routines.

Sound familiar? Moms everywhere collectively sigh and say "GIRL, SAME."

The Data Is In - And It's Saying What You Already Know

Today is World Maternal Mental Health Day and in honor of this, Postpartum Support International partnered with Momcozy to survey moms across the nation about the state of motherhood in America right now. Nearly 1,000 mothers responded and the data they found wasn't surprising. But it sure is validating... and sad.

For example, did you know...

• 84% of mothers say their own needs come after their children's?
• 74% regularly skip basic necessities like eating, showering, resting, or exercising because someone needs something from them first? 
• 71% if mothers spend less than 30 minutes a day on their own wellbeing (for context, the average American spends about 6 hours a week on self care - mothers are not even close to this).

Ladies. Think about how much time your man takes when he sits on the toilet. I'm guessing just THAT is more than 30 minutes. We are spending less time on ourselves than it takes a middle aged man to take a dump.

Ok back to the research.

You might be reading this and saying "Well.... yeah duh Bridget. That's not shocking." And you would be right. It's not shocking. I'm guessing if you are reading this, it might literally be your reality. But that doesn't mean that it's not depressing.

All too often we reach the end of the day scratching our head and wondering "what did I DO today? And why haven't I showered in days?" This isn't a personal character flaw.  What this data shows us that this is a pattern that is widespread and documented, and deeply rooted in what we have been taught motherhood is supposed to look like.

The Double Bind Nobody Talks About

Here's what makes this so hard: most moms already know they need to take care of themselves. Heck, I know I need to take care of myself. The report found that mothers widely acknowledge this. We have heard the message loud and clear: Wellbeing is essential and required to show up as a "good mom".

But we still can't do it.

Why? Because the minute that we try, the guilt and time pressure kicks in. The guilt of knowing that maybe you were at work all day so maybe you should spend your evening with your kids instead of going to the gym or out with friends. Or feeling the pressure to rush home from brunch because you left the family for too long on the weekend. And there is additional pressure to appear constantly nurturing and patient even when we don't have that patience and sense of nourishment for ourselves. GIVE, GIVE, GIVE.

The researchers in this article referred to this as "maternal tethering" - the way that mothers feel physiologically and emotionally bound to the needs of their children and families, often at the expense of our own care. It's not about poor decision making. It is about carrying an enormous mental load with very little consistent support.

Over half of the mothers surveyed - 51.9% - reported increased anxiety as a direct result of prioritizing caregiving. We as a society brush this off because we normalize maternal anxiety as a good thing. In fact, we often praise mom for it. "Look at what a devoted mother you are", we say, without ever asking what she is doing for herself or offering to lift the invisible load.

I repeat - this is not normal.

The Support Gap is Real (And This Part is for the People Who Lover Her)

If you are a partner reading this - maybe she sent this to you or maybe you found it- I want you to hear this part especially.

The report found that nearly 50% of mothers say that they receive some support, but need more. And when mothers were asked what ideal support would look like, their answers weren't extravagant. They said things like: 

"Just having someone check in and ask how I'm doing."

"Not having to ask for my basic needs to be taken care of" 

"Instead of 'let me know if I can do anything', please just show up and start doing."

What mothers are describing isn't a request for daily massages and flights to the Amalfi coast (although... that would be cool too). It's a request to be seen in the struggle. To have someone notice before mom has to say something. To receieve the same kind of quiet anticipatory care that they give to everyone else in their home without having to manage, schedule, or justify it.

The research is clear: support that has to be asked for and managed lands very differently than support that simply shows up. Both feel like love but one actually lets her put the weight down for a minute.

Motherhood Doesn't Erase You. It Reorganizes You.

One of my favorite findings of this report is that mothers largely feel that motherhood doesn't destroy a woman's sense of self - it reorganizes it. Goals and priorities shift. Some things fall away and new things emerge in the process of matrescense - the process of becoming.

In case you haven't read through exactly what this matrescense process looks like, the TLDR version is that from the time that a woman conceives to the the time when her children are grown adults, she is undergoing a transformative process of becoming a mother. This is a physical, emotional, and spiritual shift in who she is. But that process requires space and rest. It requires having someone in her corner who understands that a regulated. supported mother isn't a luxury - she is the foundation that everything else is built on.

When a mother is depleted, it doesn't just impact her. It impacts her children, her relationships, sometimes her employment, and the home that she has been working so hard to hold together.

Let's Make a Pledge Together - No More Running on Empty.

If any part of this post felt like it resonated with your life, sister, I'm right there with you. This is happening to all of us collectively and it's not your fault or mine. We are all doing our best.

The anxiety, the exhaustion, the guilt, the constant negotiation between your needs and everyone else's are not just things you need to push through. They are things you can heal from with support.

I am committed to helping you move past this season of burn out, get the help you need, and get on to living your life the way that you always hoped it would be.

As for me, I'm going to go put on my leggings and find my bathing suit and get to the gym. Because I can't preach about self care if I'm not also doing the work. I hope you will also pay attention to what your body is asking for today.

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Cheers to your mental health, Mama. You are amazing.

P.S - Want to read the whole report? Find it here.

P.P.S - Looking to start therapy? Book your free consultation here.